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How to Throw the Worst Office Holiday Party of 2017

The Christmas lights are up on Baltimore's 34th street and the temperature has finally dropped. That means it’s time for another corporate mandated holiday party. Don’t you just hate it? Employees and co-workers spend the other 365 days goofing off and making each other miserable, now you're expected to throw them a holiday party. Well, we’re saying humbug to that.

If you’re ready to throw the worst holiday party your company has ever seen. If you want the stories of shame and failure to be recounted in horror for decades. Then we have just the listicle you need to make this holiday party go down in infamy.

Step 1: Don’t make a plan

You’re already less than a month out, why start now? Obviously the party is going to be the Friday before Christmas. It should start at 5pm so employees have plenty of time to complete their work and no one goes home early. Next you’ll want to “forget” the decoration; have HR throw something together last minute from the office supply closet. Finally, the day before the big event, send out a mass email reminding everyone attendance is mandatory and so are the Christmas sweaters. Tell them to leave the kids and significant others at home, office parties are about letting loose with your co-workers. What could possibly go wrong?

Step 2: The Icebreaker

Kick off the night by inviting everyone into a large empty conference room. Once everyone's settled in and an awkward silence falls, drop the projector and open all the windows*. Bring up Netflix’s Fire for your Home as the winter wind and snow freeze the smiles off the faces of all your guests. You can bond with your co-workers by posing for festive photos in front of the illuminated fireplace. For the best results dress up as Santa and ask everyone sit on your lap. They can tell you what they want for Christmas as the camera captures how deeply uncomfortable you've just made everyone.

*Pro tip: If you’re offices are in a warmer climate, use the office fire extinguishers for a similar dramatic effect.

Step 3: Set the Mood

What’s a holiday party without music? Get your office a copy of the Chipmunk’s Christmas Album on cassette from Amazon for just under a buck. With such classics as, Here We Come A-Caroling and My Two Front Teeth, employees will be begging you to turn it off all night. Hide the sound system in the ventilation to ensure everyone can hear it but no one can find it. You can decorate a Christmas tree to keep everyone busy and use up all the paper snowflakes you cut out of expense reports. Don’t have a Christmas tree? Just send someone outside to cut down a small maple from the employee parking lot. Use any paper clips left in the supply closet to hang ornaments.

Step 4: Food and Drink

Your guests will be hungry so you’ll need to raid the office refrigerator for an inexpensive spread. “Dianna's Lunch?” Not any more. Leftover sandwiches and old pudding cups make horrible hors d'oeuvres. For drinks, spike the punch with cheap liquor, but do it early otherwise someone is liable to beat you to it. We also recommend Wild Turkey eggnog, just make sure you weren’t volunteered for clean up duty first. Set everything up in the breakroom and quickly lock the bathroom doors before anyone catches on.

Step 5: Let’s Play a Game

Once your employees are in the holiday spirit it’s time for some reindeer games! Have a fruitcake eating contest and award extra points to the person who can finish off the leftover cake from last year. The winner should receive Christmas day off, it’s the least the company can do. Later, if you absolutely have to turn off the music, replace it with the dulcet tones of amateur Karaoke. But be careful, someone might actually start having fun, so keep the song list short with only Christmas carols and Journey.

Step 6: Dancing on the Ceiling

After you’ve individually cornered every single employee and bored them to tears recounting your latest Caribbean vacation, you’re ready for the real party. Push the cubicles to the side and open up the dance floor. It’s time to let all the drinking and built up tension take care of itself. All you have to do now is stand back and watch as careers are ruined and relationships dissolve before your very eyes. It’s important at this point to have your camera phone at the ready. You’ll want to capture every embarrassing moment and regrettable mistake on the company's public Instagram but remember to save the best for blackmail!

Since we’re legally required to not try any of these tips ourselves, let us know how your office party turns out in the comments. For more about how Kapowza is spending the holidays follow us on Facebook and Twitter.